Resolutions

You hear it every where "New year, new you". Resolutions galore. This person will lose weight, that one will exercise more, someone else will save more money, another pay down debt. We promise ourselves we will be happier, healthier, richer. January goes well, February tends to be a let down and then all is lost, at least until swimsuit season. This year I had no clue what my resolution would be, but I have thought of a few things that really should be accomplished before 2012. Arend needs to be done with his pacifier and his diapers. Those two things seem like a given to me.

The next part is a little tricky. I had to look at what I don't like about me and decide what I can truly change. (I don't like my nostrils, but I'm not going to get plastic surgery, so that is out.) I also had to decide why I don't like it. (My nostrils are different sizes...) I have to think about who I want to be "when I grow-up" and how to get there from here. I would love to use cloth diapers, be crafty enough to sell home-made whatevers on Etsy, adopt some sweet little angels, and home-school through elementary. I would love to be able to use my gift of hospitality without being mortified when someone comes over. I would love to be disciplined enough to use my gym membership more often... The list goes on from there. However I have a few problems: I have no focus, I lose motivation very quickly, I love naps and I've pretty much thrown my self-confidence out the window years ago. I know some of the steps I need to take; get tested for ADD and then get medicated... (No matter how many non-doctors diagnose you, they won't give you the meds until it comes from someone with the proper credentials.) I would also benefit greatly from "therapy" with a "shrink". I need to stop listening to the negative lies, and start clinging to God's view of me.

So... Why don't I set up some appointments and reread my "God's Promises" book? Well, I have several excuses for you here. I don't have insurance, or the extra cash, for the Drs. and meds. I don't want to be away from my kids for visits with a therapist, and mostly because I'm scared. What if the meds don't help? What if the shrink says I'm a lost cause? What if I try to dig deeper and have to be honest with myself about some very painful things?!

You see, my "issues" seem to be surface things. My house is a mess and I'm at least 50 lbs overweight. God has been opening my eyes to the fact that it's all a cover up. If you tell me that my house is a mess I'll be offended, but it's not an attack on my character. If I get rid of all the cover ups, then there is nothing but vulnerable me.

The core of who I am.

What if some one doesn't like me? What if, after all of this, I'm still messed up and people know the truth? Am I ready to know the truth? I have a tendency to blame myself for things out of my control and deny responsibility for other things. I don't know if I'll be ok knowing that my best isn't good enough.

No matter what way I look at it, though, it's time to do something. Arend is getting to the age where he will be able to remember things for the rest of his life. I don't want him to remember being embarrassed about his house or mad that his mommy is too tired to play. I don't want to make excuses as to why people can't come over or why I never wear my favorite clothes in public.

It's time to grow up.