The next part is a little tricky. I had to look at what I don't like about me and decide what I can truly change. (I don't like my nostrils, but I'm not going to get plastic surgery, so that is out.) I also had to decide why I don't like it. (My nostrils are different sizes...) I have to think about who I want to be "when I grow-up" and how to get there from here. I would love to use cloth diapers, be crafty enough to sell home-made whatevers on Etsy, adopt some sweet little angels, and home-school through elementary. I would love to be able to use my gift of hospitality without being mortified when someone comes over. I would love to be disciplined enough to use my gym membership more often... The list goes on from there. However I have a few problems: I have no focus, I lose motivation very quickly, I love naps and I've pretty much thrown my self-confidence out the window years ago. I know some of the steps I need to take; get tested for ADD and then get medicated... (No matter how many non-doctors diagnose you, they won't give you the meds until it comes from someone with the proper credentials.) I would also benefit greatly from "therapy" with a "shrink". I need to stop listening to the negative lies, and start clinging to God's view of me.
So... Why don't I set up some appointments and reread my "God's Promises" book? Well, I have several excuses for you here. I don't have insurance, or the extra cash, for the Drs. and meds. I don't want to be away from my kids for visits with a therapist, and mostly because I'm scared. What if the meds don't help? What if the shrink says I'm a lost cause? What if I try to dig deeper and have to be honest with myself about some very painful things?!
You see, my "issues" seem to be surface things. My house is a mess and I'm at least 50 lbs overweight. God has been opening my eyes to the fact that it's all a cover up. If you tell me that my house is a mess I'll be offended, but it's not an attack on my character. If I get rid of all the cover ups, then there is nothing but vulnerable me.
The core of who I am.
What if some one doesn't like me? What if, after all of this, I'm still messed up and people know the truth? Am I ready to know the truth? I have a tendency to blame myself for things out of my control and deny responsibility for other things. I don't know if I'll be ok knowing that my best isn't good enough.
No matter what way I look at it, though, it's time to do something. Arend is getting to the age where he will be able to remember things for the rest of his life. I don't want him to remember being embarrassed about his house or mad that his mommy is too tired to play. I don't want to make excuses as to why people can't come over or why I never wear my favorite clothes in public.
It's time to grow up.
